Marriage 4th Posting - The family unite and children

This is my forth posting on the subject of marriage.
When I started, I thought I could encompass all I have to say in one or two posts, but it seems I was wrong, so here I am again, looking at 'children within the family unit.'

We waited five years before having our first child.

Our marriage started on a rocky economical base with an income one could barely survive on, which resulted in immigration to a new country two years later.

Our life in the new country was fraught with language difficulties, professional re- examination to comply with the then Australian government laws, and unemployment. To top it all up, we fell into an environment that was emotionally as well as economically foreign to us. We had to grasp a completely new way of thinking and adjust to a completely different social structure and behaviour. AND, naturally, we lost the standing and support of the society we left behind. We were all alone at the bottom of everything, searching for answers. This delayed our family building by five years.
Most couples do not have to make the adjustments we have had to make. Therefore, a couple of years or so should suffice to adjust to each other and create a financial base on which to build a family.

Once a child comes to the world, it joins an existing, functional family unit. And I must stress - joins an existing functional unit. It comes into this unit as a participant, with all the requirements, privileges and responsibilities it entails, and according to its abilities and needs.
He/she does not, nor should ever; assume a centre position like that of a king or queen, which enslaves its parents.
This was the premise with which most of my generation grew up; and with this premise - all fell in to place.

Why did this premise work?
It worked because the parents’ duty is to prepare their offspring to become decent, responsible human being who fit into their society with no difficulties. The society will accept the grown child as a participant, under the terms I have mentioned before, and the home is its the training ground. It is where the child learns how to behave and interact with others; and children with siblings, receive an extra bonus, and fare much better.

Children try their parents day in and day out. With these trials, which try and tire parents to ends degree, they learn what works and what doesn’t; what is accepted and what is not. It teaches them the parameters of right and wrong and moulds their behaviour and character for life.

I often hear, ‘But he is so little’, ‘but she is so sweet’ and so on. Yes that may be so. But they do not stay small and sweet; and if one does not deal with them correctly from the first cry, they may turn out to become ‘the monsters from hell’ - a phenomenon that is, unfortunately, already with us.

Does that mean we should not love our children? No. It does not. On the contrary, it means that if we love them, we should do the right thing by them.

The first and most important thing they need is a home where the parents’ love makes them feel secure. Then, and only then, comes the job of preparing them for life outside the home. This job, as I see it, covers more or less the following, and may be much more:
First and foremost –
We should never suffocate them with over indulgent or over indulgence - we should not let them have everything they want.
We need to guide them to self-sufficiency and encourage them to fulfil the goal they have chosen
Help them, in around about way, to find a far-away star to aim for – a reason for living.
Do not deny them the satisfaction of achievement…
Guide them on how to overcome adversaries, but at the same time also to acknowledge the existence of others who have their rights, wishes and wants as well.
Teach them to be charitable…
In short – mould them into becoming good productive and happy adults.

Renate
Artist, poet and the author of
From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country
To see more of my book click on this link
http://www.promisedland-renate.com