TRIBUTE TO A SOUL MATE

In this last post about marriage I’d like to pay tribute to my husband, my love and my life long friend, Gerry, by posting the poem I wrote in Hebrew and in English, for our 39th wedding anniversary.

Before I get to the poem itself, I would like to tell you how I went about presenting it to him; for he happened to in Europe and I in Australia on this particular day.
So let’s go back in time:

Here I am buying a card with 3 red roses painted on a white background. I print the poem out in both languages; and mail it all to Europe.
Having done that, I phone Gerry,
I sent you a letter, I say, don’t open it till I asked you to, and leave it next to the phone.
I know very well that he will do as I asked, and he does.

On the day, which happens to be a Sunday, and ready with a beautiful love song on a tape recorder, I phone. I hear Gerry lift the receiver, and with not a word I start the music.
Gerry listens for a minute, and hangs up.
I phone again,
He answers again, and the receiver goes down again.
This is getting too difficult. He will never stay on the phone for long enough to find out what it’s all about!
I phone again.
He lifts the receiver again.
I say – listen and don’t lower the receiver; now, open the envelope, take the two pages out and follow my reading.
The music is playing and I intersperse it with the poem in the appropriate point of reference, in the two languages, as rehearsed.
He follows my reading.
I have finished reading – there is silence on the other end; a long protracted and meaningful silence. Then I hear him say,
I could never give you a wonderful present like this one…
I am happy and relieved. All went well.

Gerry and I two weeks before our wedding

TO YOU MY LOVE

I looked into your eyes
Your heart leaped with love.
I looked unto your smiling face
Its radiance bewitched me.

My hand in yours, with joy,
My heart trembling,
Our first steps together, like infants,
So many moons ago.

Into the ocean of life,
With arrogance of youth, naiveté,
We spread our wings,
We reached to the sky.

Like waves verse calm,
High mountains and deep valleys,
We’ve known the heights of love and passion,
The lows of despair.

Like thunder and lightning verse,
The rising sun on a spring morning,
We drew strength from each other,
We enriched our lives.

Mature and some-what wiser,
We lost the arrogance,
We unmasked naiveté
and Now my love;

There is so much in my heart
I know not how to express
For I am lost for words
Not knowing...

In my hands;
A horse- shoe, driftwood,
Flowers and green twigs,
A nesting bird.

I present them to you, for that,
Which I fail to put into words.
I present them to you,
My love.

 Renate Dec. 1993

Gerry and I last year – after 54 years of marriage

Renate

http://www.promisedland-renate.com/

LOVE IN MARRIAGE,

It took me a long time to gather and organise my thoughts on this particular subject, for it is the most important element in a successful marriage; and the most difficult to writing about. It is the one that underlines everything within it; and is the glue that keeps it together.

Unfortunately the word ‘Love’ has been over-used and abused and does no longer express that which I think it should. It has become a substitute for words like sex; lust and desire, and is used as a form of greeting etc.

Love it self, takes many forms: There is the love of a parent for example, which is very different to the love between a couple; and a couple’s love does change with time and circumstances. So what do I see as love in marriage?

First and foremost, I see marriage, in our western society, as the natural progress of a love relationship that started with a strong attraction two people had, and still have, to one another. A step up if you will. A step of what the Chinese call – ‘becoming whole with the other’; or a step where ‘one has found one’s soul-mate’,

If I dissect and look at love from a detached angle – I can see it as being a very selfish act. You love one, because he/she makes you feel good, makes you feel wanted, makes you feel worthy and so on. You love one to satisfy your need to lavish another with all the goodness of your heart; emotionally, physically and materially, which in turn makes you feel well about yourself.

It is true that some loves aren’t being reciprocated. This is very sad indeed, and has no place in marriage.

You get married because you think your other half will give you all of the above and more. This, however, applys to that other half as well, and here, some of the compromise and adjustments I spoke of before, come in.

.

Being possessed by love, full of admiration adoration, and passion, you get married, and love turns a corner. Now you want to build a nest where love can flourish. This corner is the first of many, where everyone that follows brings new and exciting experiences, regardless if good or bad; for you grow together with each. Here the operative word is – together. If you do not do it together, you grow apart.

Before we got married, Gerry wanted to wait till he will be well established; to look after me in a manner I was not accustomed to. For me, this was an odd notion. I felt strongly that I do not want someone to ‘look after me’. I wanted the right to achieve and enjoy the process. Thus, we did not wait, did everything together, and it turned out to be the right decision.

As we go through the various stages of life and mature, love adjusts and matures as well. It becomes, to a very great extent, a deep friendship of mutual understanding, admiration, reliance and trust.

This process, however, depends on the individuals involved; because one can fall in love and one can fall out of love according to the way he/she synchronizes its thought processes. You can see the good and the best in your beloved, or you can look, and for sure find, that which you don’t like or which irritates you, and what you eventually hate.

Through out our 54 years of marriage we never thought of not loving each other. We never looked outside the square of our marriage. We always worked together for our mutual progress within that marriage.

We always trusted each other implicitly, and I do mean implicitly;

Marriage is a contract. If you don’t want to keep it, don’t get into it.

With us, the door was and is always open; neither of us needs to stay. We got into this contract because we wanted to. Because we loved each other and still do. And as I said before – without love – there is no marriage.

During all the years, we constantly found and still find things we want to do and achieve. We rarely, if ever, sit idle waiting for life to pass us by. We talk a lot on different subjects we encounter, share, learn and experience new things and new developments; and stay alert to that which is around us.

We dance with passion and socialize, and at the same time give room to each other according to each needs and wants. AND most importantly – we do laugh at ourselves. We can see the funny side of us and of each of us; and often, it is very healing.

We hug, kiss and laugh and always touch or stroke each other when we pass by, bar for when we are mad at each other, which does come up here and there in any relationship; and are not shy of asking very personal question and sharing very personal thoughts. This does not mean that we do not criticise each other as well – we do.

Yes another thing I just remember, from time to time, spontaneously and out of the blue, we tell each other in various forms that we love them.

All of the above comes naturally to us and it reaffirms that which we got married for in the first place.

We live in a disposable world, but love is not a disposable commodity. It is too emotional, precious and dainty to be discarded or done away with, without deep and long lasting hurtful consequences to all involved.

Renate

Artist, poet & the Author of

 From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country  

http://www.promisedland-renate.com/

Keeping the marriage alive

So how do we keep a marriage alive when our responsibility towards the survival of our human specie has been fulfilled?

What reason is there for living; when our children purport to know more than we ever did or do; and where our collected and collective wisdom has no use to anyone?

Well, we do what all generations before us could not do – we liberate ourselves back to our youth, with the added bonus of a life long experience.

Now we can learn, grow and experience anew. We can venture into new pursuits of our own choosing and at our own volition; and thus enriching ourselves, the society we live in, and the world at large; in a fresh and unique way.

For me, getting to this stage in life was enlivening; as I am sure it is to many a woman. It gave me the time and the opportunity to express myself and do all that I could not do before. It gave me the opportunity to be myself and live my own life.

For the man in my life, who had to stop work due to a car accident, retirement was a forced and traumatic event, which took a hard and painful toll. He lost all he loved doing, felt useless and dejected, and took years to heal.

Most men find retirement hard to swallow in any event, and the battle in this instant was even greater, since Gerry did never want to retire in the first place.

Now the question is, how do you adjust to this new situation? What do you do, or how do you go about it?

Once Gerry got better, I approached him and said,

Till now we did what had to be done as well as pursued your interests (which were in the realm of both his chosen professions), now it’s my time; and he agreed.

Not only did he agree, but he also started to actively take over the running of the household, one thing at a time. This was not easy. He had to learn all he’d never done before, and the way I did it. Slowly, he got the hang of things and changed them according to his own way of thinking.

On top of it, he took closer interest in my newly developed interests and encouraged me to continue with my pursuits.

Nowadays, he does all shopping and errands, and most of the household chores, while I join in whenever I can.

As a matter of fact, when any of us notices something to be done, we just go ahead and do it, or help the one who is already at it, if time permits. If we not, we ask to be excused for whatever the reason is.

With these important parts of daily life out of the way, we realised the need each of us has for a private space of his/her own - an uninterrupted time to be oneself for oneself. Allowing for this private space was, and is, one of the most important pillars in keeping a healthy marriage.

As importance as the above is, it only forms a base for a smooth and cohesive daily life. It does not keep the marriage alive, does it? So how do you do that?

Well, we did and do that by continuing to be who we are, and by doing what we always did, but - without the handicaps of direct family responsibilities of looking after children, dogs, cats, fish, you name it. We have only the two of us to look after, just as we were at the beginning:

We talk and debate a lot, laugh a lot, and dance passionately. We do old things, new things, and exciting as well as not so exciting things. We go for new projects, travel places, meet with friends all over the world and communicate via cyberspace with old and new acquaintances.

From them we learn of changes in places we left behind and of ways of life we have never encountered. In short – we live with all the gusto we did before.

BUT now, we do it with an added bonus. A bonus of knowing one another so much better - AND we like what we know, as well as what we see; even though it has wear and tear signs here and there.

Now we are free to ask each other questions we did not dare ask before; question relating to our most inner feelings, for example. We can share in the different reactions and feeling each of us has from his/her unique prospective; and by doing so, learn more about each other. AND we are not shy of laughing at ourselves and at one another, in good spirit and with no malice.

Having gone through all the above, I can see still one important subject to cover, which is the love in a long marriage.

This I will leave for my next posting on the fascinating subject of a long and happy marriage.

Renate

Artist, poet and the author of

From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country

to look inside my book

Click here

 To go to my website
http://www.promisedland-renate.com 

Marriage –When kids and the Jobs are gone – what then?

Once children have come of age, they need to ‘fly out of the nest’ so to speak. They need to leave their parents’ home and build a life for themselves. This is nature’s way.

There are, however, instances where the parents do not want to let children go. I think that that comes from fear of not being needed or wanted any more. But children have the right to their own lives; mistakes and success. They deserve to experience all facets of life with all the ups and downs it brings.

The question of ‘what shell I do now?’ does come up at times; a vacuum one may not know how to fill.

For us this was never a problem, because we married each other - not the kids. They were the product of our love, not the aim, neither the centre of it.

With them gone, we had a chance of another honeymoon; filled with the experience, knowledge, and may be some wisdom we may have gained, within the years.

Now came the time to solely enjoying one another’s company, grow and develop and experience new things and ventures.

I am a great believer that we should experience and learn all we can while on this earth. I do not think one gets a second chance at that; not in this time and place in any event. So why waste it?

I must confess at this juncture, that the most difficult time one has to endure and adjust to, is the time when a partner, or both, stop work. This is not as hard on women as it is on men.

Women are better in multitasking, because they have to, and can therefore always find something to occupy themselves.

Men, most of who did only, or practically only, one task at a time, are often lost once they retire. Having lost their job, they often lose their station in life, and at times, the friends they made during their working years.

Those men who did not prepare themselves for their ‘golden age’ are in real difficulties, and not knowing what to do with themselves, they nag their spouses to the ends degree.

There are also those who think that even though they have nothing to do, their wives should continue to look after them: cook, clean, launder, serve them and so on. This never works, and is very contentious.

It is the hardest time in a marriage, as far as I am concerned, and can only be solved by discussing and putting down parameters for both to live by.

A couple must acknowledge the uniqueness of each other, allow them the time to pursue their individual goals, and respect their need of their private space.

Renate Artist, poet and the author of From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country To see more of my book click on this link

www.promisedland-renate,com

To look inside my book Click here

My 77th Birthday.

I have arrived at the age of 77 and it hit me,

In three years time you’ll be 80! Wow! Sounds awful!

Then I thought again,

In reality, it is not awful at all - it is an achievement:

I look at the mirror and there are signs of wear, tear, and marks of experience, as well as some extra kilos I can do without. But there are no ailments, no medicine to take; and a blood pressure of 120/80 is nothing to complain about.

I go for walks, body surf and dance –turning and twirling with delight – which is pretty good, and very enjoyable –
I know, I should do more of that…
BUT the computer does not let me, it seems to demand more and more of my time. This is bad, isn’t it?
I hear a voice whisper,

‘Don’t think you are only one who does that,’

Yes. You are right, but that does not change the fact. It only says that you should not do it either, doesn’t it?
It’s true. I should move away from the computer and leave some things for tomorrow…
But… can I? ….

This dialogue is getting me nowhere. I’d better turn my attention to the box I carry on my shoulder,

Well, I decided to keep it. The grey matter within it seems to do a good job, so why change it? As a matter of fact, it seems to be working overtime and is getting better each day.
Does that surprise you? It shouldn’t. You know the saying,

‘Use it - or lose it?,’

I decided:

Better to use it, than to lose it.

As a matter of fact, there are many things I can do today I could not do when I was younger. I have the tools years of accumulating knowledge bring. I can weave together, unknowingly, new understandings, plane new ventures and set new goals without the demands of a growing family and job obligations.

I can achieve all I’ve never dreamed of before - I have reached the golden age. I arrived, and plan to stay here for another fifty years or so, to be able to fulfil all I have put in front of me.

Having come to this conclusion, I look back into my past, and think, Lucky you, you have, in spite of all the difficulties, which are really just challenges, chosen the best period in history to come into this world, and to experience life in places and times your ship docked you in.

Why is that?

It’s because I have been lucky, fortunate or whatever you care to call it, to pick out of the barrel parents who taught me how make hard decisions; How to face adversities without running away; and never complain when the going is tough. They did this by example, by their own actions - not by words.
Not only that, but above all,

They gave me a second change at life by choosing to leave Germany the year Hitler came into power.

By doing so they did not only save my life, but they also gave me one full of purpose and aim to aspire to. They brought me into a society bursting with camaraderie that worked very hard to re-establish Jewish life in the Land of Israel; make the desert bloom, and resurrect the State of Israel – a once in many life-times chance not many get.

I also was fortunate to get out of this barrel a wonderful partner: my life long friend, lover, and the father of our children, who is still with me doting over me.
He taught me how to fly an aircraft instead of flying off the handle at every little thing.
He also taught me to put all the cards on the table and discuss matters sensibly, which made our marriage work.
With him, I had the honour of understanding Chiropractic, which changed my health fortune and my way of looking at life and at the universe at large.

And how lucky am I to witness the first Radio that came into our lives, the first phone connected in our area; the first T.V show when many countries did not have it as yet. Fly in propeller driven aircraft, be a part of every development since, and be able to sit here and write to you from afar though the net.

Now, at 77, I do all that I had no time for when I was working and had the family to attend to.

Since retirement, I wrote a book, which I am trying to promote; as well as about 45 to 50 poems; and painted about the same number of paintings, that I have started to put into a gift book of poems, painting and Life (or thoughts – not so sure about which word I should use here – inputs are invited).

I made my own website and blog, where I write as regularly as I can. I learn all I can on subjects I like, socialize regularly, and travel every so often.

At times I am lost not knowing what to do first, as I would like to do it all at the same time. But I know that is not possible.
I find the days not long enough, neither the weeks nor the years, and think that about another fifty years will do it for me.

So, did I choose the right and places I lived? I think I did.

Now, I'd like to wish a

‘ Happy birthday’>
To all who are having their 77th this month.
I do sincerely hope that you are getting frustrated from over doing rather than under doing

Renate
Artist, poet and the author of
From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country
To look inside my book Click here

Marriage 4th Posting - The family unite and children

This is my forth posting on the subject of marriage.
When I started, I thought I could encompass all I have to say in one or two posts, but it seems I was wrong, so here I am again, looking at 'children within the family unit.'

We waited five years before having our first child.

Our marriage started on a rocky economical base with an income one could barely survive on, which resulted in immigration to a new country two years later.

Our life in the new country was fraught with language difficulties, professional re- examination to comply with the then Australian government laws, and unemployment. To top it all up, we fell into an environment that was emotionally as well as economically foreign to us. We had to grasp a completely new way of thinking and adjust to a completely different social structure and behaviour. AND, naturally, we lost the standing and support of the society we left behind. We were all alone at the bottom of everything, searching for answers. This delayed our family building by five years.
Most couples do not have to make the adjustments we have had to make. Therefore, a couple of years or so should suffice to adjust to each other and create a financial base on which to build a family.

Once a child comes to the world, it joins an existing, functional family unit. And I must stress - joins an existing functional unit. It comes into this unit as a participant, with all the requirements, privileges and responsibilities it entails, and according to its abilities and needs.
He/she does not, nor should ever; assume a centre position like that of a king or queen, which enslaves its parents.
This was the premise with which most of my generation grew up; and with this premise - all fell in to place.

Why did this premise work?
It worked because the parents’ duty is to prepare their offspring to become decent, responsible human being who fit into their society with no difficulties. The society will accept the grown child as a participant, under the terms I have mentioned before, and the home is its the training ground. It is where the child learns how to behave and interact with others; and children with siblings, receive an extra bonus, and fare much better.

Children try their parents day in and day out. With these trials, which try and tire parents to ends degree, they learn what works and what doesn’t; what is accepted and what is not. It teaches them the parameters of right and wrong and moulds their behaviour and character for life.

I often hear, ‘But he is so little’, ‘but she is so sweet’ and so on. Yes that may be so. But they do not stay small and sweet; and if one does not deal with them correctly from the first cry, they may turn out to become ‘the monsters from hell’ - a phenomenon that is, unfortunately, already with us.

Does that mean we should not love our children? No. It does not. On the contrary, it means that if we love them, we should do the right thing by them.

The first and most important thing they need is a home where the parents’ love makes them feel secure. Then, and only then, comes the job of preparing them for life outside the home. This job, as I see it, covers more or less the following, and may be much more:
First and foremost –
We should never suffocate them with over indulgent or over indulgence - we should not let them have everything they want.
We need to guide them to self-sufficiency and encourage them to fulfil the goal they have chosen
Help them, in around about way, to find a far-away star to aim for – a reason for living.
Do not deny them the satisfaction of achievement…
Guide them on how to overcome adversaries, but at the same time also to acknowledge the existence of others who have their rights, wishes and wants as well.
Teach them to be charitable…
In short – mould them into becoming good productive and happy adults.

Renate
Artist, poet and the author of
From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country
To see more of my book click on this link
http://www.promisedland-renate.com

Marriage – 3rd posting (previously – Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce and marriage )

The next important base marriage stands on, and I put a high value upon it, is work: the income it generates and the value it brings. Why Value? Value because much of married life involves unpaid work, which unfortunately, society does not recognise as work. It is not rewarded by money one can count, and therefore has no value. But is this really so? Marriage means running a household. It means shopping, cleaning, cooking, mending, fixing, gardening, rearing children, budgeting and much more. The list is endless, as most of us know only too well. If we take only some of the items listed and put a basic hourly rate to them, not counting after-hours penalties rates or added payment for experience and knowledge, we will find that very few families would be able afford the services rendered. Having said that, we still come back to the fact that this work is not appreciated or valued, and one often hear the sentence, “ you do nothing all day…” We value money. Money render independence. Whoever earns it has the power to give - thus the right to deny, and it becomes a whip with which the earner gets control over the other. In a marriage, which I believe to be a union of equals, this is unacceptable. I therefore feel that both partners in a marriage should earn. The amount earned is not important. What is is that it gives independence. The mere fact that one does earn, takes the power of’ ‘giving’ or ‘denying’ out of the equation, producing, consciously or unconsciously, the equality good marriage requires. With money being earned by both partners, the unpaid work has to be shared willingly between them as well. It should never come to the following situation: A young lady who I’d call Jane, and her partner Max, told me the following: She and Max fell in love and decided to live together. Both had full time jobs. Every day, on her way home, she did the shopping, put it away, cooked, set the table and cleaned. Max, on the other hand, came home, took his shoes off and reclined to read his paper. He ate his meal when it was ready and attended to his heart desires afterwards. He did not bother to lift even a finger to help. A year passed and Jane had enough. Max, she said, I am leaving. And Max replied, Why are you leaving? We are having it so good… Yes. You are having it so good… She replied. You see; Jane became a slave in a partnership that is not a partnership. Marriage entails daily chores, which need to be attended to willingly and automatically by both partners, and without prompting. It shows respect, love and concern and brings the pleasure of doing even the little things or the unattractive ones together. In my next posting on the subject, I’ll try and tackle ‘the family unit and children.’ Renate http://www.promisedland-renate.com/

Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce and marriage - 2

In the previous post about Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce and marriage, I wrote what I think are the essentials foundation for a healthy successful marriage.

In this post I would like to tackle the money problem, as it seems to be one of the most prevalent reason for an unhappy marriage.Many of Dr.Phil’s subjects seem to bring this problem up. You hear them say, she spends too much, or, he is stingy and so on…not very good, is it?

Many of us come out of our parents’ homes where everything is prepared and paid for, even when we share in the household costs.We have little or no budget responsibilities or need to balance the family income and expenses. We have an easy ride. Others have already taken the “freedom step’, and may then have a better insight of what is in front of them. However, the future is not assured and there are surprises galore on the way. So how does a couple manage their money, their income and expenses?

When we decided to get married, my mother said,

’ I have an x amount of money, do you want to spend it on a wedding, or do you want the money?’

We opted for the money.Even though we took the money, we still had a small wedding in my parent’s apartment where relatives and parents’ friends were invited, followed by a ‘honey - week’ in place of a ‘honey - moon’.

Why did we opt for the money?

We knew that we needed it to put up a home.We also knew that we are not going to start marriage life lumbered with a debt, a proper reception would entail.We could not find a good reason to enslave ourselves for years just to be celebrities for one day. We felt, and still do, that debt in a young marriage is like a third person in the wedding bed, who will not leave; till kicked out with a penalty.

Money and its management is often what breaks a marriage, and an uncalled for debt puts unnecessary strain on any relationship; be it a young budding marriage, or a long standing one.With this strain often come back and fore accusations over who was the culprit responsible for creating this burden.

I know that it is fashionable nowadays to purchase everything a couple ‘deeds’ for life and pay for it with a credit card.Credit cards are expensive.

Firstly - one does not feel the money leave the wallet, and therefore it feels like a bottomless water well, that gives endless water, and one loses control and accountability.

Secondly - cards, in the main, carry high rates of interest when one does not repay the debt within an allotted time. As debt grows the accumulated interest incurred grows. This makes the purchased item more expensive, thus a higher debt.

Thirdly - when reckoning day comes, and it is sure to come, the awakening is rough, and one may lose everything one has.

We must remember that credit card companies are not philanthropies; they are here to make money.

The question is, can one do without buying on credit, without going into debt? What does a young couple really need to begin with? One thing is for sure; it does not need debt.We slept on mattresses on the floor for 2 years and it did not worry us. Not only that, but we had fun putting cent to cent together for purchases we wanted, and felt achievement once we could afford them.

Our daughter in law even had a ‘Glory Box’ where she collected things for the home in her bachelor days. Things like sheets, kitchen appliances, eating utensils and so on, which eased their starting days burden.

The only debt we did take on was for the purchase of a home and a second hand fridge.

So how does one deal with this problem?

What we did was that we transferred whatever money each of us had into a one joint account, and into which our incomes would go. Then, we made a budget book. This we divided into 2 main sections, one for income the other for expenses. Next we made a list of expected regular outgoing like council rate, water, electricity etc. added up the amounts and divided the result by 52, because Australian wages are paid weekly.This told us what amounts to put aside, plus about half as much again, in case we miscalculated. Then we decided on the percentage of income we can afford saving for rainy day.This we banked into a separate saving account, not to be touched. This was for us very important, and proved to be so in later days.

The rest was for our daily life.For that, we listed the items we need like food, clothing and so on in our expenses section, and were ready.

If and when one of us wanted or needed to spend on or buy something that was not essential, we always sought the other’s approval.This was, and still is, usually granted without hesitation.It was not a requirement, neither was it prearranged. It was, and still is, just curtesy that came automatically; due to the respect we have to one another.We could do that, because we knew that we both care and want success and advancement in our marriage; and neither of us would abuse this privilege.

Some may say, well, you had a lot of money to be able to do that, and I want to put your mind at rest.No we did not.We just tightened the belt, because we knew where we want to go.We often had just one meagre income and at times none at all, when we had to rely on what we have put away.But we had determination to do better.We wanted to succeed.

In my next posting on this subject, I will look into some of the other matters that make a marriage like, work and house hold etc.

Before I go,

My next posting, on whatever subject, will be delayed by about a week to ten days or so.In few days time my husband and I are heading back home and we are now packing.

Comments are welcomed

Renate,

Artist, poet and the author of

‘From the Promised Land to The Lucky Country’ – Renate’s book

Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce & marriage

In one of my previous posts I wrote about my generation and, as promised, I’ll try and tackle marriage.Marriage has a great bearing on the Joy in living, and this subject is a natural follow-up to what I have written before.

Some time ago Oprah Winfrey brought forth the ‘divorce epidemic’ that engulfs USA and the need to do something about it; and Dr. Phil in his show, is trying to solve problems of dysfunctional families; many of which leave me aghast.

These shows brought those problems closer to me, and since then, they do not leave me.

I thought I should contribute something from my experience in the form of writing, but didn’t know what approach to take; how to deal with this very sensitive subject, which is prevalent not only in the USA, but all over the western world to a smaller or greater extent.

Being married for 54 years with a husband that still woos me, I have little to say about divorce. What I can do though is look for, and impart, that which I think made our marriage work:

My husband and I did not have a trial period before marriage, we were never engaged, and got married 4 months after we started going together.

Now at the age of 76, I have long pasted my ‘being beautiful’ days. I’ve gained some 15 kilos I can do without, I do not use makeup nor go to a hairdresser and I am no dresser; and he still woos me. Why?

Why do we still love each other as well as like each other?

Why are our friends still married adoring each other?

What are the fundamentals that keep us together?

Or, what are the roots that broke others?

Many studies have been done; statistics analyzed, and clever people, with a string of degrees next to their names, and not necessarily with experience, have, and are, giving their opinions and advise. So who am I, and what gives me the right to voice mine?

I have been mulling it over and over again, till I came to the conclusion that my years of experience give me that right. So here I am, taking the plunge:

At the age of 22, when we made our decision to marry, my husband said,

‘If you want this to work, we need to put everything on the table. We need to discuss whatever may bug us, and sort it out before it festers.’

I never thought about it, but I was prepared to give it a go. So we did it, and our children do it as well, and it seems to work. But why should one do that? Why is it so important?

It is important because we are all different. We come from different homes, different upbringings, environments and understandings. And even when these are similar, they are still different. Therefore, we need iron out the differences or misinterpretation that arise naturally when a couple is building a new family unit. We need to fine-tune the marriage right from the start.

This, I think, is easily achieved when a couple is not only in love with one another, but also like each other, and has, shows and exercises respect to each other; for love is one thing, like – another, and respect – the fundamental of both. Without respect, nothing works.

However, this is only the basis, the foundation on which a marriage should be build.

Now comes the question: why do people want to get married?

Let assume they have all the above, but do they really want to live together? Do they have what it takes? Do they have some common interests, or are they willing to learn and adopt each other’s interests?

Are they prepared to work together for the good of their new unit, or do they have the,

‘I married you, so make me happy’ syndrome?

In one word – are they friends? Without friendship or the readiness to develop one, a marriage is doomed.

My husband and I have different interests, but we got interested, right from the start, in what the other is immersed in, likes or does. This, when all is said and done, enriched, and enriches not only the marriage, but also each of us as individuals.

We also strove to work together, and did so successfully for many years. This in itself brought us closer together, and did not let us drift apart. However, to achieve this, we needed to clearly divide the responsibilities, and put definite demarcation line none of us dared cross.

And then there are the questions of money, of children of household and work, and others. These I will try and tackle in one of my next posts.

Renate Artist, poet & the Author of

From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country

‘From the Promised Land to The Lucky Country’ – Renate’s book a true life story and poetry

The wedding on mount Carmel

One of the well-known mountain ridges here is the Carmel Mountains ridge, and we were invited to a wedding ceremony and party that took place in one of its peaks. This peak is called ‘The Hagana’- 'the Protector'- which was the forerunner to Israel’s defence forces. The area here is a designated as a picnic area and is covered with trees.It has a modern stone memorial sculpture with the military insignia on it, and a round opening through which you can see the surrounding area below. From this peak you can see: from the Mediterranean Sea and the City of Haifa to the valley of Zebulon, where the tribe of Zebulon lived in the days of the tribes, and right into the valley of Izrael. Here you can see the city buildings and industry, as well as the fields of the agricultural settlements that dot this rich land area. As darkness falls the day’s colour change and there are no longer the blues the greys and the green, but the lights, in their various shades of colours, that light in the blackness of night like millions of twinkling stars.What a sight! Arriving close to 8pm, and still light, we found the whole area set up for around 300+ guests, in tables for 10. These were covered with ochre yellow table clothes and set up like in a 5 star hotel. There was a stage for music and a dancing platform on to one side, and about three or four long buffet tables around. But that was not all, there were also two tables cooking pre –sitting food that constantly prepared ‘little bits of heaven’ Israeli style,’ with circulating waiters that served an array of local savouries. A drink counter was set opposite, serving anything you like; from water and soft drinks to pure fruit juices made on the spot to alcoholic beverages and mixes. At one corner, was a platform on which the ‘Chupa”(the traditional canopy under which Jewish weddings are held) was erected. Through which one could see the view below as well. In this beautiful night and site, a young couple vowed their life to each other, with the groom closing the ceremony by saying to his bride; you are the most wonderful, fantastic present I have ever got.I thank you for loving me. As a present, I gave them a digital copy of my 2 pods & white flowers on a dark green background. At the back we wrote, 'We wish your life together would flourish as beautiful as the subjects in the painting.' Renate Artist, poet & the Author of From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country http://www.promisedland-renate.com/