Keeping the marriage alive

So how do we keep a marriage alive when our responsibility towards the survival of our human specie has been fulfilled?

What reason is there for living; when our children purport to know more than we ever did or do; and where our collected and collective wisdom has no use to anyone?

Well, we do what all generations before us could not do – we liberate ourselves back to our youth, with the added bonus of a life long experience.

Now we can learn, grow and experience anew. We can venture into new pursuits of our own choosing and at our own volition; and thus enriching ourselves, the society we live in, and the world at large; in a fresh and unique way.

For me, getting to this stage in life was enlivening; as I am sure it is to many a woman. It gave me the time and the opportunity to express myself and do all that I could not do before. It gave me the opportunity to be myself and live my own life.

For the man in my life, who had to stop work due to a car accident, retirement was a forced and traumatic event, which took a hard and painful toll. He lost all he loved doing, felt useless and dejected, and took years to heal.

Most men find retirement hard to swallow in any event, and the battle in this instant was even greater, since Gerry did never want to retire in the first place.

Now the question is, how do you adjust to this new situation? What do you do, or how do you go about it?

Once Gerry got better, I approached him and said,

Till now we did what had to be done as well as pursued your interests (which were in the realm of both his chosen professions), now it’s my time; and he agreed.

Not only did he agree, but he also started to actively take over the running of the household, one thing at a time. This was not easy. He had to learn all he’d never done before, and the way I did it. Slowly, he got the hang of things and changed them according to his own way of thinking.

On top of it, he took closer interest in my newly developed interests and encouraged me to continue with my pursuits.

Nowadays, he does all shopping and errands, and most of the household chores, while I join in whenever I can.

As a matter of fact, when any of us notices something to be done, we just go ahead and do it, or help the one who is already at it, if time permits. If we not, we ask to be excused for whatever the reason is.

With these important parts of daily life out of the way, we realised the need each of us has for a private space of his/her own - an uninterrupted time to be oneself for oneself. Allowing for this private space was, and is, one of the most important pillars in keeping a healthy marriage.

As importance as the above is, it only forms a base for a smooth and cohesive daily life. It does not keep the marriage alive, does it? So how do you do that?

Well, we did and do that by continuing to be who we are, and by doing what we always did, but - without the handicaps of direct family responsibilities of looking after children, dogs, cats, fish, you name it. We have only the two of us to look after, just as we were at the beginning:

We talk and debate a lot, laugh a lot, and dance passionately. We do old things, new things, and exciting as well as not so exciting things. We go for new projects, travel places, meet with friends all over the world and communicate via cyberspace with old and new acquaintances.

From them we learn of changes in places we left behind and of ways of life we have never encountered. In short – we live with all the gusto we did before.

BUT now, we do it with an added bonus. A bonus of knowing one another so much better - AND we like what we know, as well as what we see; even though it has wear and tear signs here and there.

Now we are free to ask each other questions we did not dare ask before; question relating to our most inner feelings, for example. We can share in the different reactions and feeling each of us has from his/her unique prospective; and by doing so, learn more about each other. AND we are not shy of laughing at ourselves and at one another, in good spirit and with no malice.

Having gone through all the above, I can see still one important subject to cover, which is the love in a long marriage.

This I will leave for my next posting on the fascinating subject of a long and happy marriage.

Renate

Artist, poet and the author of

From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country

to look inside my book

Click here

 To go to my website
http://www.promisedland-renate.com 

Marriage – 3rd posting (previously – Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce and marriage )

The next important base marriage stands on, and I put a high value upon it, is work: the income it generates and the value it brings. Why Value? Value because much of married life involves unpaid work, which unfortunately, society does not recognise as work. It is not rewarded by money one can count, and therefore has no value. But is this really so? Marriage means running a household. It means shopping, cleaning, cooking, mending, fixing, gardening, rearing children, budgeting and much more. The list is endless, as most of us know only too well. If we take only some of the items listed and put a basic hourly rate to them, not counting after-hours penalties rates or added payment for experience and knowledge, we will find that very few families would be able afford the services rendered. Having said that, we still come back to the fact that this work is not appreciated or valued, and one often hear the sentence, “ you do nothing all day…” We value money. Money render independence. Whoever earns it has the power to give - thus the right to deny, and it becomes a whip with which the earner gets control over the other. In a marriage, which I believe to be a union of equals, this is unacceptable. I therefore feel that both partners in a marriage should earn. The amount earned is not important. What is is that it gives independence. The mere fact that one does earn, takes the power of’ ‘giving’ or ‘denying’ out of the equation, producing, consciously or unconsciously, the equality good marriage requires. With money being earned by both partners, the unpaid work has to be shared willingly between them as well. It should never come to the following situation: A young lady who I’d call Jane, and her partner Max, told me the following: She and Max fell in love and decided to live together. Both had full time jobs. Every day, on her way home, she did the shopping, put it away, cooked, set the table and cleaned. Max, on the other hand, came home, took his shoes off and reclined to read his paper. He ate his meal when it was ready and attended to his heart desires afterwards. He did not bother to lift even a finger to help. A year passed and Jane had enough. Max, she said, I am leaving. And Max replied, Why are you leaving? We are having it so good… Yes. You are having it so good… She replied. You see; Jane became a slave in a partnership that is not a partnership. Marriage entails daily chores, which need to be attended to willingly and automatically by both partners, and without prompting. It shows respect, love and concern and brings the pleasure of doing even the little things or the unattractive ones together. In my next posting on the subject, I’ll try and tackle ‘the family unit and children.’ Renate http://www.promisedland-renate.com/

Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce and marriage - 2

In the previous post about Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce and marriage, I wrote what I think are the essentials foundation for a healthy successful marriage.

In this post I would like to tackle the money problem, as it seems to be one of the most prevalent reason for an unhappy marriage.Many of Dr.Phil’s subjects seem to bring this problem up. You hear them say, she spends too much, or, he is stingy and so on…not very good, is it?

Many of us come out of our parents’ homes where everything is prepared and paid for, even when we share in the household costs.We have little or no budget responsibilities or need to balance the family income and expenses. We have an easy ride. Others have already taken the “freedom step’, and may then have a better insight of what is in front of them. However, the future is not assured and there are surprises galore on the way. So how does a couple manage their money, their income and expenses?

When we decided to get married, my mother said,

’ I have an x amount of money, do you want to spend it on a wedding, or do you want the money?’

We opted for the money.Even though we took the money, we still had a small wedding in my parent’s apartment where relatives and parents’ friends were invited, followed by a ‘honey - week’ in place of a ‘honey - moon’.

Why did we opt for the money?

We knew that we needed it to put up a home.We also knew that we are not going to start marriage life lumbered with a debt, a proper reception would entail.We could not find a good reason to enslave ourselves for years just to be celebrities for one day. We felt, and still do, that debt in a young marriage is like a third person in the wedding bed, who will not leave; till kicked out with a penalty.

Money and its management is often what breaks a marriage, and an uncalled for debt puts unnecessary strain on any relationship; be it a young budding marriage, or a long standing one.With this strain often come back and fore accusations over who was the culprit responsible for creating this burden.

I know that it is fashionable nowadays to purchase everything a couple ‘deeds’ for life and pay for it with a credit card.Credit cards are expensive.

Firstly - one does not feel the money leave the wallet, and therefore it feels like a bottomless water well, that gives endless water, and one loses control and accountability.

Secondly - cards, in the main, carry high rates of interest when one does not repay the debt within an allotted time. As debt grows the accumulated interest incurred grows. This makes the purchased item more expensive, thus a higher debt.

Thirdly - when reckoning day comes, and it is sure to come, the awakening is rough, and one may lose everything one has.

We must remember that credit card companies are not philanthropies; they are here to make money.

The question is, can one do without buying on credit, without going into debt? What does a young couple really need to begin with? One thing is for sure; it does not need debt.We slept on mattresses on the floor for 2 years and it did not worry us. Not only that, but we had fun putting cent to cent together for purchases we wanted, and felt achievement once we could afford them.

Our daughter in law even had a ‘Glory Box’ where she collected things for the home in her bachelor days. Things like sheets, kitchen appliances, eating utensils and so on, which eased their starting days burden.

The only debt we did take on was for the purchase of a home and a second hand fridge.

So how does one deal with this problem?

What we did was that we transferred whatever money each of us had into a one joint account, and into which our incomes would go. Then, we made a budget book. This we divided into 2 main sections, one for income the other for expenses. Next we made a list of expected regular outgoing like council rate, water, electricity etc. added up the amounts and divided the result by 52, because Australian wages are paid weekly.This told us what amounts to put aside, plus about half as much again, in case we miscalculated. Then we decided on the percentage of income we can afford saving for rainy day.This we banked into a separate saving account, not to be touched. This was for us very important, and proved to be so in later days.

The rest was for our daily life.For that, we listed the items we need like food, clothing and so on in our expenses section, and were ready.

If and when one of us wanted or needed to spend on or buy something that was not essential, we always sought the other’s approval.This was, and still is, usually granted without hesitation.It was not a requirement, neither was it prearranged. It was, and still is, just curtesy that came automatically; due to the respect we have to one another.We could do that, because we knew that we both care and want success and advancement in our marriage; and neither of us would abuse this privilege.

Some may say, well, you had a lot of money to be able to do that, and I want to put your mind at rest.No we did not.We just tightened the belt, because we knew where we want to go.We often had just one meagre income and at times none at all, when we had to rely on what we have put away.But we had determination to do better.We wanted to succeed.

In my next posting on this subject, I will look into some of the other matters that make a marriage like, work and house hold etc.

Before I go,

My next posting, on whatever subject, will be delayed by about a week to ten days or so.In few days time my husband and I are heading back home and we are now packing.

Comments are welcomed

Renate,

Artist, poet and the author of

‘From the Promised Land to The Lucky Country’ – Renate’s book

Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce & marriage

In one of my previous posts I wrote about my generation and, as promised, I’ll try and tackle marriage.Marriage has a great bearing on the Joy in living, and this subject is a natural follow-up to what I have written before.

Some time ago Oprah Winfrey brought forth the ‘divorce epidemic’ that engulfs USA and the need to do something about it; and Dr. Phil in his show, is trying to solve problems of dysfunctional families; many of which leave me aghast.

These shows brought those problems closer to me, and since then, they do not leave me.

I thought I should contribute something from my experience in the form of writing, but didn’t know what approach to take; how to deal with this very sensitive subject, which is prevalent not only in the USA, but all over the western world to a smaller or greater extent.

Being married for 54 years with a husband that still woos me, I have little to say about divorce. What I can do though is look for, and impart, that which I think made our marriage work:

My husband and I did not have a trial period before marriage, we were never engaged, and got married 4 months after we started going together.

Now at the age of 76, I have long pasted my ‘being beautiful’ days. I’ve gained some 15 kilos I can do without, I do not use makeup nor go to a hairdresser and I am no dresser; and he still woos me. Why?

Why do we still love each other as well as like each other?

Why are our friends still married adoring each other?

What are the fundamentals that keep us together?

Or, what are the roots that broke others?

Many studies have been done; statistics analyzed, and clever people, with a string of degrees next to their names, and not necessarily with experience, have, and are, giving their opinions and advise. So who am I, and what gives me the right to voice mine?

I have been mulling it over and over again, till I came to the conclusion that my years of experience give me that right. So here I am, taking the plunge:

At the age of 22, when we made our decision to marry, my husband said,

‘If you want this to work, we need to put everything on the table. We need to discuss whatever may bug us, and sort it out before it festers.’

I never thought about it, but I was prepared to give it a go. So we did it, and our children do it as well, and it seems to work. But why should one do that? Why is it so important?

It is important because we are all different. We come from different homes, different upbringings, environments and understandings. And even when these are similar, they are still different. Therefore, we need iron out the differences or misinterpretation that arise naturally when a couple is building a new family unit. We need to fine-tune the marriage right from the start.

This, I think, is easily achieved when a couple is not only in love with one another, but also like each other, and has, shows and exercises respect to each other; for love is one thing, like – another, and respect – the fundamental of both. Without respect, nothing works.

However, this is only the basis, the foundation on which a marriage should be build.

Now comes the question: why do people want to get married?

Let assume they have all the above, but do they really want to live together? Do they have what it takes? Do they have some common interests, or are they willing to learn and adopt each other’s interests?

Are they prepared to work together for the good of their new unit, or do they have the,

‘I married you, so make me happy’ syndrome?

In one word – are they friends? Without friendship or the readiness to develop one, a marriage is doomed.

My husband and I have different interests, but we got interested, right from the start, in what the other is immersed in, likes or does. This, when all is said and done, enriched, and enriches not only the marriage, but also each of us as individuals.

We also strove to work together, and did so successfully for many years. This in itself brought us closer together, and did not let us drift apart. However, to achieve this, we needed to clearly divide the responsibilities, and put definite demarcation line none of us dared cross.

And then there are the questions of money, of children of household and work, and others. These I will try and tackle in one of my next posts.

Renate Artist, poet & the Author of

From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country

‘From the Promised Land to The Lucky Country’ – Renate’s book a true life story and poetry