Oprah, Dr. Phil divorce & marriage

In one of my previous posts I wrote about my generation and, as promised, I’ll try and tackle marriage.Marriage has a great bearing on the Joy in living, and this subject is a natural follow-up to what I have written before.

Some time ago Oprah Winfrey brought forth the ‘divorce epidemic’ that engulfs USA and the need to do something about it; and Dr. Phil in his show, is trying to solve problems of dysfunctional families; many of which leave me aghast.

These shows brought those problems closer to me, and since then, they do not leave me.

I thought I should contribute something from my experience in the form of writing, but didn’t know what approach to take; how to deal with this very sensitive subject, which is prevalent not only in the USA, but all over the western world to a smaller or greater extent.

Being married for 54 years with a husband that still woos me, I have little to say about divorce. What I can do though is look for, and impart, that which I think made our marriage work:

My husband and I did not have a trial period before marriage, we were never engaged, and got married 4 months after we started going together.

Now at the age of 76, I have long pasted my ‘being beautiful’ days. I’ve gained some 15 kilos I can do without, I do not use makeup nor go to a hairdresser and I am no dresser; and he still woos me. Why?

Why do we still love each other as well as like each other?

Why are our friends still married adoring each other?

What are the fundamentals that keep us together?

Or, what are the roots that broke others?

Many studies have been done; statistics analyzed, and clever people, with a string of degrees next to their names, and not necessarily with experience, have, and are, giving their opinions and advise. So who am I, and what gives me the right to voice mine?

I have been mulling it over and over again, till I came to the conclusion that my years of experience give me that right. So here I am, taking the plunge:

At the age of 22, when we made our decision to marry, my husband said,

‘If you want this to work, we need to put everything on the table. We need to discuss whatever may bug us, and sort it out before it festers.’

I never thought about it, but I was prepared to give it a go. So we did it, and our children do it as well, and it seems to work. But why should one do that? Why is it so important?

It is important because we are all different. We come from different homes, different upbringings, environments and understandings. And even when these are similar, they are still different. Therefore, we need iron out the differences or misinterpretation that arise naturally when a couple is building a new family unit. We need to fine-tune the marriage right from the start.

This, I think, is easily achieved when a couple is not only in love with one another, but also like each other, and has, shows and exercises respect to each other; for love is one thing, like – another, and respect – the fundamental of both. Without respect, nothing works.

However, this is only the basis, the foundation on which a marriage should be build.

Now comes the question: why do people want to get married?

Let assume they have all the above, but do they really want to live together? Do they have what it takes? Do they have some common interests, or are they willing to learn and adopt each other’s interests?

Are they prepared to work together for the good of their new unit, or do they have the,

‘I married you, so make me happy’ syndrome?

In one word – are they friends? Without friendship or the readiness to develop one, a marriage is doomed.

My husband and I have different interests, but we got interested, right from the start, in what the other is immersed in, likes or does. This, when all is said and done, enriched, and enriches not only the marriage, but also each of us as individuals.

We also strove to work together, and did so successfully for many years. This in itself brought us closer together, and did not let us drift apart. However, to achieve this, we needed to clearly divide the responsibilities, and put definite demarcation line none of us dared cross.

And then there are the questions of money, of children of household and work, and others. These I will try and tackle in one of my next posts.

Renate Artist, poet & the Author of

From the Promised Land to the Lucky Country

‘From the Promised Land to The Lucky Country’ – Renate’s book a true life story and poetry